We, the liberals of the United States, clearly knowing what’s best for you, have declared that the following rights to be indisputable for a truly progressive and enlightened society. These rights shall be implemented immediately, without argument or qualification, to ensure that America will be a better place for US to live in. So, we present to you – Your Liberal Bill of Rights.
Article I – It’s not your fault. For far too long, the concept of personal responsibility has crippled this country. That must end! You are hereby entitled to declare that your shortcomings and failures are indeed the fault of greedy Wall Street CEOs, health insurance companies, natural disasters, and even ATMs. You are also hereby entitled to live off other people’s success – your lack of talent or work ethic notwithstanding.
Article II – Free Healthcare – For far too long, you had to take measures to ensure that your health was maintained through reasonable activities such as washing your hands or brushing your teeth. No more! You are hereby allowed – to engage in public sex or defecation, to expose yourself to the elements through public nudity, to live in rat-infested or feces-contaminated public parks without fear or consequence. You are encouraged to smoke continually, drink incessantly, and do drugs habitually – doing more than one simultaneously will only improve your standing in the community. To that end, you are hereby entitled to free healthcare at absolutely no costs to you since it is a human right.
Article III—Food Stamps – For far too long, the insane idea that we must pay for food is detrimental to our entrepreneurial spirit. We can no longer be bound by such trivial matters. You are hereby entitled to food stamps, which should be presented and proclaimed as a badge of honor, provided by the government to provide for our basic needs
Article IV – Unfettered voting rights – People should no longer be limited in exercising their right to vote as long as one intends to maintain the liberal grasp on governmental power. Any attempt to curtail that support through the presentation of identification to verify citizenship is illegal and discriminatory on its face – The fact that you have to present identification to buy alcohol, a gun, deposit money in your own banking account, when you visit the doctor, or to apply for a Visa for entry into the U.S. is irrelevant. You are hereby entitled to vote for liberal politicians regardless of your actual country of citizenship or your legal standing for voting rights in the United States.
Article V – Guaranteed Living Wage – Income inequality has been the cause of civil unrest as those without have been downtrodden and need to be provided a certain standard of living that must always be maintained regardless of circumstance. You are hereby guaranteed a living wage regardless of the type of work you engage in. However, for those who choose not to work to release your entrepreneurial spirit as an artist or musician, you are also guaranteed a living wage due to the fact that you are the truly enlightened of us.
Article VI – Housing – For far too long, we have been hampered by having to be able to actually afford the costs of purchasing a house. That ends now. You are hereby entitled to purchase the home of your dreams regardless of the costs – the banks will finance that for you at a sub-prime rate or we will tax them out of existence – and if you are still unable, or simply choose not to pay, we will pay for your house free of charge,
Article VII – College Education – As the intellectual elite, we should not have to bear the costs of attending liberal colleges and universities as they will provide us with the foundation for espousing our approach to achieving a progressive utopia. You are hereby entitled to student loans – which we will cut the interest rate on as to not impact your personal gratification – to pay for college whether or not you have the true intelligence, work ethic, or desire required to succeed in that environment.
Article VIII – Uniform Thought, Belief, or Action – For far too long, individuals have thought for themselves, believed what they want to believe, and acted according to those thoughts and beliefs. They have to be taught that individualism is offensive to all others and must come to an end immediately! You are hereby allowed to espouse only what we tell you to think, believe in our superiority, and evangelize those principles to all that are capable of such understanding.
Article IX – Liberal Exceptions – As the betters within this backwards American society, we cannot be burdened with the costs of transforming this country into the progressive utopia we want. You are hereby exempted from all costs, burdens, or any expectations needed to transform this country into a progressive utopia as we are the ones who will lead the way.
Article X – Your rights and opinions shall go unchallenged. Due to your obvious intellectual and moral superiority, you are hereby entitled to call anyone who disagrees with you any or all of the following names: racist, homophobe, Islamophobe, uninformed, teabagger, or any name that will silence them and ensure the validity of your superiority.
These rights will ensure that the United States will be transformed into a truly progressive and enlightened society. If that does not happen; then it’s not our fault!
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